16 Ways to Salvage Embattled Marriage

By 

Ronald Olusegun Olaiya

Introduction

Life is full of ups and downs. It has never been a straight journey; it is comprised of undulating hills and valleys. This could be very pleasant today and tomorrow it could be exact opposite. It is the same thing with marriage. Marriage is filled with challenges and surprises. Some of the challenges are sources of excitement to the spouses involved. And at some other times it could be a source of concerns that may threaten the very existence of the marriage. If they are not well managed, they could crash the marriage.

Some of the challenges or threats that may be confronting a marriage are mistrust or distrust due to complications arising from infidelity, financial crises, sexual denials, attitudinal issues, pride and arrogance, influence of third parties, and others.

The primary focus of this write up is on embattled marriage and how it could be salvaged to prevent its collapse. In other words, what can we do to fix a marital relationship that is heading to the rock as a result of any of the listed challenges or a combination thereof? There are several ways such problems can be addressed depending on the peculiarity of the problem facing a particular family.

Below we explained 16 ways by which a marriage going through turbulence can be fixed and stabilised:

  1. Effective, Open & Continuous communication

Communication is at the centre of any social interaction and engagement. Marriage is not an exception in this regard. It is even more important to a marriage going through the eye of a storm. Communication should not only be effective; it has to be open and continuous. Effective communication in this regard has to be such that guarantees mutual understanding on the matter in focus. The openness presupposes that the spouses have to be transparent to one another in the interaction process. This helps to remove doubts that could stand in the way of the communication process. This is in addition to the fact that communication has to be continuous among couples. This means that there should always be regular and constant briefing of each other concerning updates in the relationship.

  1. Communication Methods

Spouses should be able to determine the best and the most effective communication methods for them in a situation like this. There are various methods they can choose from. They could also have combinations of certain methods for better results depending on their situation. They can resort to face to face communication. They may also use calls (including video calls) chats, text messages, emails (if they are separated by long distance). But where it is possible, face to face methods appears to be the best among couples because of the instant effects and results.

  1. Fasting & Praying together

Whatever is good requires prayer. Whatever is not good also requires prayer. The same thing goes for couples who are going storms in their marriage. They need to be involved in fasting and prayer to let God take charge of the affairs in their marriage. This is especially the case for matters that are outside what the spouses can influence as human beings. In many cases, it is only God that repositions and restores a marriage where there are cracks.

  1. Studying the Words of God

In addition to being prayerful, spouses in turbulent times must be studying and meditating in the words of God day and night. It is never too much. It can only be inadequate. Doing this empowers them in wisdom and understanding. It also gives insights into some mysteries that surround the institution of marriage as ordained by God. In this process, the spouses may found reasons to close the gaps among them and in the process give the marriage a new lease of life.

  1. Gift Exchange

At times it is good for spouses to rekindle their love for each other through exchange of gifts. Such gifts may include but not limited to items like clothes, jewelleries, perfumes, cars, houses, phones, books, to mention just a few. It is usually not the financial worth of the items in the question that matters, but the spirit behind. This is an indication that your spouse still loves and cares about you. However, it is important to note that each spouse should do this strictly based on his/her ability. We do not do this with bank loans.

  1. Going On Outing Together

Occasionally couples are expected to go for outing, whether or not they are invited. Attending weddings, burials, naming ceremonies, birthday parties, house openings, business events, cocktails, cinemas, sporting events, etc are particularly great opportunities for killing boredom. The memories of such outings often bring nostalgic effects that make the spouses wanting to repeat such outings as many times as possible. Do not just sit down at home. All the answers to marital bliss cannot be found in the comfort of your homes alone. Sometimes you need to go out to find them.

  1. Having Vacations Together

What about arranging to have your annual vacations the same time? This will enable you and your spouse to have quality time together. They may also arrange for foreign trips together for tourism to interesting vacation places around the world. They even make visit to tourist locations within the country. This has the potential of enhancing bonding among them and bringing back the mutual feelings and affection that had long been forgotten.

  1. Confession, Apology and Forgiveness

The greatest healing property for any ailing relationship including marriage is when the party at fault admit and apologise for his/her wrong doings. This makes it easier for the other party to forgive him/her. When these conditions are in place, the healing of the wounds sustained in the marriage is instant and subsequent peace attained becomes more enduring. It is therefore important for spouses to embrace this path and learn to resolve issues among themselves without involving third parties.

  1. Mutual Support

In a troubled marriage, the only option left for the couples at such a difficult time is to be strongly behind each other. They should be seen to be pillars of support to each other physically, emotionally, socially and economically. This is one of the ways to rekindle their love for each other. At this critical time they are both fragile and highly vulnerable. Failure to support one another may create avenue for one of them or both to seek such support from outside. This may create room for them to be taken advantage of.

  1. Mutual Respect and Honour

More than ever before, they must create room for mutual respect and honour. Disrespect to one of them should be seen as disrespect to both of them.  They will be under immense pressure to institute high level of disregard for themselves, especially from external forces. This should be resisted at all cost. Such step will not help the already worsened situation. Besides, the same forces that are instigating them against one another will be the same forces that will ridicule them when their marriage crashes. They should take charge of the situation themselves before other people will do so. Couples should correct themselves in love. Avoid correction that will ridicule your partner, especially in the public no matter how good your intention might be. Learn to call your partner to a side and correct him/her privately. Do not go out to counter the position of your partner publicly. This is not honourable thing to do.

  1. Avoid or Stop Infidelity

This is not the period to be involved in extra marital affairs as this will further cause serious distraction that could cause their relationship to degenerate and possibly lead to separation and divorce.  If infidelity is the factor responsible for the current state of things in the relationship, this should be stopped immediately to give peace a chance. Continuing having affairs can only result in worst situation.

  1. Marriage Counsellor

Where it is necessary, the services of counsellor should be sought and gotten. This is especially the case where the two couples have felt that the relationship has degenerated substantially and they may not be able to handle it themselves. A truly competent marriage and relationship counsellor should be able to give the necessary support to bring the relationship back to life. But then the couples are required to give the counsellor all the necessary supports in terms of meetings sessions, sharing honest information, and others.

  1. Marriage and Relationship Courses

Marriage is a very complex institution. As you are trying to get to know one fact about it, new ones are unveiling whose meaning will keep you wondering if you really know anything about marriage. To this end, attending relationship and marriage seminars, conferences, workshops, and others is strongly recommended for couples whether or not there is problem in your marriage. Such programmes are meant to assist you to understand yourselves, appreciate other things that are connected to your marriage and manage your relationship better for higher result.

  1. Reading Books, Articles, Write Ups on Marriage

Apart from training programmes as explained above, your knowledge about marriage can be further broadened through habit of reading books, articles, write-ups, newspapers’ sections on relationship, magazines, journals, and so on. Apart from this watching videos and listening to audios on marriage will also go a long way to be of help in this regard. The beauty of the information you are gathering from all these sources is that they are from independent sources. So they are free of biases or allegations of such.

  1. Self- Development

Develop yourselves to enhance your worth and value in the relationship. Marriage is a dynamic institution. As the days are passing by, it keeps evolving. If you must catch up with the evolutionary process, you also have to raise the bar. This enhances your contributions to the growth and development of the marriage. This way you become a compelling party and indispensable factor in the marriage. Apart from the programmes in the areas of relationship and marriage, undergoing developmental programmes in professional fields will add up to your career development and marriage.

  1. Feel Proud of Each Other

Let the whole world know that you are proud of each other. In this way, it becomes difficult for infiltrators to penetrate you. The signal this will send out will cause them to retreat and keep their evil intentions to themselves.

Introduction

Life is full of ups and downs. It has never been a straight journey; it is comprised of undulating hills and valleys. This could be very pleasant today and tomorrow it could be exact opposite. It is the same thing with marriage. Marriage is filled with challenges and surprises. Some of the challenges are sources of excitement to the spouses involved. And at some other times it could be a source of concerns that may threaten the very existence of the marriage. If they are not well managed, they could crash the marriage.

Some of the challenges or threats that may be confronting a marriage are mistrust or distrust due to complications arising from infidelity, financial crises, sexual denials, attitudinal issues, pride and arrogance, influence of third parties, and others.

The primary focus of this write up is on embattled marriage and how it could be salvaged to prevent its collapse. In other words, what can we do to fix a marital relationship that is heading to the rock as a result of any of the listed challenges or a combination thereof? There are several ways such problems can be addressed depending on the peculiarity of the problem facing a particular family.

Below we explained 16 ways by which a marriage going through turbulence can be fixed and stabilised:

  1. Effective, Open & Continuous communication

Communication is at the centre of any social interaction and engagement. Marriage is not an exception in this regard. It is even more important to a marriage going through the eye of a storm. Communication should not only be effective; it has to be open and continuous. Effective communication in this regard has to be such that guarantees mutual understanding on the matter in focus. The openness presupposes that the spouses have to be transparent to one another in the interaction process. This helps to remove doubts that could stand in the way of the communication process. This is in addition to the fact that communication has to be continuous among couples. This means that there should always be regular and constant briefing of each other concerning updates in the relationship.

  1. Communication Methods

Spouses should be able to determine the best and the most effective communication methods for them in a situation like this. There are various methods they can choose from. They could also have combinations of certain methods for better results depending on their situation. They can resort to face to face communication. They may also use calls (including video calls) chats, text messages, emails (if they are separated by long distance). But where it is possible, face to face methods appears to be the best among couples because of the instant effects and results.

  1. Fasting & Praying together

Whatever is good requires prayer. Whatever is not good also requires prayer. The same thing goes for couples who are going storms in their marriage. They need to be involved in fasting and prayer to let God take charge of the affairs in their marriage. This is especially the case for matters that are outside what the spouses can influence as human beings. In many cases, it is only God that repositions and restores a marriage where there are cracks.

  1. Studying the Words of God

In addition to being prayerful, spouses in turbulent times must be studying and meditating in the words of God day and night. It is never too much. It can only be inadequate. Doing this empowers them in wisdom and understanding. It also gives insights into some mysteries that surround the institution of marriage as ordained by God. In this process, the spouses may found reasons to close the gaps among them and in the process give the marriage a new lease of life.

  1. Gift Exchange

At times it is good for spouses to rekindle their love for each other through exchange of gifts. Such gifts may include but not limited to items like clothes, jewelleries, perfumes, cars, houses, phones, books, to mention just a few. It is usually not the financial worth of the items in the question that matters, but the spirit behind. This is an indication that your spouse still loves and cares about you. However, it is important to note that each spouse should do this strictly based on his/her ability. We do not do this with bank loans.

  1. Going On Outing Together

Occasionally couples are expected to go for outing, whether or not they are invited. Attending weddings, burials, naming ceremonies, birthday parties, house openings, business events, cocktails, cinemas, sporting events, etc are particularly great opportunities for killing boredom. The memories of such outings often bring nostalgic effects that make the spouses wanting to repeat such outings as many times as possible. Do not just sit down at home. All the answers to marital bliss cannot be found in the comfort of your homes alone. Sometimes you need to go out to find them.

  1. Having Vacations Together

What about arranging to have your annual vacations the same time? This will enable you and your spouse to have quality time together. They may also arrange for foreign trips together for tourism to interesting vacation places around the world. They even make visit to tourist locations within the country. This has the potential of enhancing bonding among them and bringing back the mutual feelings and affection that had long been forgotten.

  1. Confession, Apology and Forgiveness

The greatest healing property for any ailing relationship including marriage is when the party at fault admit and apologise for his/her wrong doings. This makes it easier for the other party to forgive him/her. When these conditions are in place, the healing of the wounds sustained in the marriage is instant and subsequent peace attained becomes more enduring. It is therefore important for spouses to embrace this path and learn to resolve issues among themselves without involving third parties.

  1. Mutual Support

In a troubled marriage, the only option left for the couples at such a difficult time is to be strongly behind each other. They should be seen to be pillars of support to each other physically, emotionally, socially and economically. This is one of the ways to rekindle their love for each other. At this critical time they are both fragile and highly vulnerable. Failure to support one another may create avenue for one of them or both to seek such support from outside. This may create room for them to be taken advantage of.

  1. Mutual Respect and Honour

More than ever before, they must create room for mutual respect and honour. Disrespect to one of them should be seen as disrespect to both of them.  They will be under immense pressure to institute high level of disregard for themselves, especially from external forces. This should be resisted at all cost. Such step will not help the already worsened situation. Besides, the same forces that are instigating them against one another will be the same forces that will ridicule them when their marriage crashes. They should take charge of the situation themselves before other people will do so. Couples should correct themselves in love. Avoid correction that will ridicule your partner, especially in the public no matter how good your intention might be. Learn to call your partner to a side and correct him/her privately. Do not go out to counter the position of your partner publicly. This is not honourable thing to do.

  1. Avoid or Stop Infidelity

This is not the period to be involved in extra marital affairs as this will further cause serious distraction that could cause their relationship to degenerate and possibly lead to separation and divorce.  If infidelity is the factor responsible for the current state of things in the relationship, this should be stopped immediately to give peace a chance. Continuing having affairs can only result in worst situation.

  1. Marriage Counsellor

Where it is necessary, the services of counsellor should be sought and gotten. This is especially the case where the two couples have felt that the relationship has degenerated substantially and they may not be able to handle it themselves. A truly competent marriage and relationship counsellor should be able to give the necessary support to bring the relationship back to life. But then the couples are required to give the counsellor all the necessary supports in terms of meetings sessions, sharing honest information, and others.

  1. Marriage and Relationship Courses

Marriage is a very complex institution. As you are trying to get to know one fact about it, new ones are unveiling whose meaning will keep you wondering if you really know anything about marriage. To this end, attending relationship and marriage seminars, conferences, workshops, and others is strongly recommended for couples whether or not there is problem in your marriage. Such programmes are meant to assist you to understand yourselves, appreciate other things that are connected to your marriage and manage your relationship better for higher result.

  1. Reading Books, Articles, Write Ups on Marriage

Apart from training programmes as explained above, your knowledge about marriage can be further broadened through habit of reading books, articles, write-ups, newspapers’ sections on relationship, magazines, journals, and so on. Apart from this watching videos and listening to audios on marriage will also go a long way to be of help in this regard. The beauty of the information you are gathering from all these sources is that they are from independent sources. So they are free of biases or allegations of such.

  1. Self- Development

Develop yourselves to enhance your worth and value in the relationship. Marriage is a dynamic institution. As the days are passing by, it keeps evolving. If you must catch up with the evolutionary process, you also have to raise the bar. This enhances your contributions to the growth and development of the marriage. This way you become a compelling party and indispensable factor in the marriage. Apart from the programmes in the areas of relationship and marriage, undergoing developmental programmes in professional fields will add up to your career development and marriage.

  1. Feel Proud of Each Other

Let the whole world know that you are proud of each other. In this way, it becomes difficult for infiltrators to penetrate you. The signal this will send out will cause them to retreat and keep their evil intentions to themselves.

15 Reasons Why Families Are Fast Becoming Victims of Poverty

By 

Ronald Olusegun Olaiya

Introduction

The global economic system is in shamble. The inflation is growing higher and higher on daily basis Consumer Price Index (CPI) is shooting to the roof. This has rendered families’ incomes valueless and meaningless. As if that is not enough, the global unemployment rate has also jumped up. Millions of people are being rolled out of the educational institutions annually without assurance of where to get jobs. The labour market has become saturated as we have more job seekers today than the available jobs.

All these have weakened the capacity of the families to meet their obligations to their members. So it is a common thing to see cases of malnutrition, poor health conditions and sicknesses, poor clothing, poor hygiene, among other indices of miserable living conditions.

Children from these homes are now into prostitutions, armed robbery, money rituals, kidnappings, burglary, raping, sexual assaults, frauds, drug pushing, and other forms of criminalities.

The family conditions in the developing nations are particularly pathetic vis-a-vis their counterparts from the developed nations. This is because families in most developed countries are being supported by the state through social welfare schemes. Apart from this, the employment generation capacities in the developed nations are by far greater and better.

Why Are Families Getting Poorer by the day?

  1. Lack of Creativity and Innovation

When you keep thinking and doing things the same old ways, you will continue to get the same old results. On the other hand, if you change your thinking and the way and manner you doing things, you will get a completely different result that surpasses your imagination. At this point you will be wondering if it is the same you that have achieved that kind of result. If we must overcome poverty at our respective homes we have to think of making things happen in a new way. That is coming up with new ideas of getting things done in a more effective and efficient manner. The idea is to ensure that we use minimum resources to get faster and better result for our families. Families should also strive to come up with new ideas that will help to bring about new products that will serve our needs in the society better.

  1. Fear of Taking Risk

It is a widely known fact worldwide that low risk activities attract lower return on investment (ROI). On the other hand, high risk activities yield higher ROI. This explains why keeping money in the bank or investment on treasury bills yield lower returns than when you are directly involved in manufacturing or distributive activities. Many people are risk averse and so they earn very little or no results for their activities and vice versa. Many families belong to this category. So the associated low return keeps them below poverty line. Many families will rather advise their members to look for jobs and job security instead of taking to the entrepreneurship and job creation. In thinking this way, they do not appear to appreciate the fact that job opportunities are shrinking on daily basis vis-a-vis people hunting for them.

  1. Obsolete School Curriculum

Many of the school curricula are increasingly becoming irrelevant and unrealistic in terms of solving the problem facing the global community today. So many families waste a lot of money and precious resources to train their children in prestigious universities and polytechnics to acquire degrees and diplomas that cannot solve societal problems. How can an educational qualification that cannot address societal problems become a money spinning qualification? Of course it will not be. And so such qualification would not help families to get out of poverty. They have to look elsewhere for economic salvation.

  1. Inability to Discover Oneself

Many of us have not been able to discover the sleeping giant in us. We do not know that we have some latent talent in us that we have not been able to activate. These talents have been lying sleeping since we were born. Many died with their own talent. A few others were able to awake their sleeping giants much later. Many families while bringing up their children could not help them to wake up the talents. The school systems that the children passed through also failed in this regard. The children were kept busy training in areas that may not help them wake up their respective sleeping giants. Most of the so called educated elites are in this category. It is a waste of their times and a waste of their lives. Parenting and educational systems that do not take into consideration how children will discover themselves and what they can do have wasted their time. This is because such children will not be able to contribute meaningfully to help the families and the societies out of poverty and under-development.

  1. Inability to Scan and Discover Opportunities

Ask the business minded people in any society and they will tell you that any problem in a society is a potential business opportunity. So the more problem a society has the more opportunities it has for its members to develop and overcome the challenges posed by poverty. Shortages of certain goods and services presuppose that suppliers of such goods and services are in great demand. Unfortunately, as glaring as this may be, people are not getting it. They are in the midst of huge opportunities and they are crying of no opportunities. Why is this so? It is simply because they could not study their environment to discover such opportunities and tap into them. The rich families in any society are those whose members can do the reverse. They will move in to design solutions to such challenges, implement the design and become rich.

  1. Over Emphasis on Educational Qualification/Certificate

We are still being carried away by the degrees, diplomas and certificates we have acquired over the years. It is true that some decades ago before you finish your schooling process jobs are already waiting for you. It was the same for official accommodations and cars. But things have changed. Paradigm has shifted and we have to appreciate this. There are no more jobs again. Job offers are shrinking by the day. What we have that are increasing consistently today are business opportunities. The earlier the families realise this truth and encourage their members to start creating and building business the better and greater the chances of families breaking away from the yoke of poverty. The solution is not with using certificate to get plum job. Rather it is in your ability to solve problem; that is what you can do.

  1. Prioritising Financial Capital Over and Above Social and Intellectual Capital

If you gather 100 people today and you ask them why families can’t go into business, you will be shocked that 90% of them will tell you it is because of economic/financial capital.  While we appreciate the role of economic capital in establishing businesses, it is imperative to note that things have changed. Social and intellectual capitals are now assuming greater prominence in business formation and processes. It is possible today to start businesses with little or no economic capital if you have social as well as intellectual capital. All that is required is the packaging of your ideas. If the packaging is the right type it can attract the attention of investors who can join hands with you to make the dream come through.  

  1. Lack of Integrity

Families with questionable integrity may remain poor for a long period. Even if you have all the economic resources to start the business and lack integrity you will still not go far. The societal support to your efforts or initiatives may not be forthcoming. This may affect patronage, necessary accreditation and certification, among others. Where you do not have money on your own and you are seeking funding, your integrity status may prevent such efforts from yielding result.

  1. Lack of Self-Confidence

Many people do not really believe in themselves and their capabilities. They do not think they have what it takes to advance a good cause in any spheres of human endeavours. They do not have what is required to face their own fears and doubts. So they find it difficult to believe that they can spearhead a change that can bring about meaningful transformation to the society. They retire to fate and therefore do not make effort that may result in changing their condition. Children who are brought up here and who also imbibe the philosophy follow the course of their parents. They remain naive and gullible.

  1. Being Surrounded by People With Wrong Mindset

A family that is surrounded with people having wrong mindset may have lofty dreams, but those ideas may not see the light of the day. This is because extra steps may not be taken for those dreams to come to fruition. Such people will do everything to pull down the dreams from being actualised. They will discourage you from flying. And your family’s poor living conditions will remain unchanged. If you really want to make a head way, you have to start associating with the right people who have the right mindset for all the necessary encouragement to forge ahead. Birds of the same feathers flock together. Lions do not mingle with dogs.

  1. Laziness and Indolence

Another factor responsible for the poor state of families has to do with laziness. Some are not just willing to work but still they want to have all the comforts in this world. Of course we all know that this is a mere wishful thinking that will not see the light of the day unless there is a change of attitude. Nothing good comes easy. Success without tears is a fraud. Families and their numerous members need to embrace the spirit of discipline through hard work.  

  1. High Dependency Ratio

The dependency ratio, especially in the developing world is extremely high. The children from multiple marital relationships (numerous wives), concubines, aged parents and grandparents, friends, etc all are looking up to just one person they call bread winner. As soon as the man collects the money either as salary or rewards from his self-employed business the whole thing is shared out and he is back to square one. The cycle is repeated year in year out. Nothing is changing except increase in the number of children from existing wives and new ones. So the entire family continues to suffer year after year.

  1. Multiple Relationships

Multiple marital relationships called polygamy is a major factor that is allowing poverty to fester among families in many nations, especially in Africa and Asia. The direct effect of this is geometric growth in population per family and per nation. This imposes a serious pressure on the limited family resources. In most cases children are born without basic medical care. Pregnancies are carried without registration in any hospital for antenatal care. Yet this does not prevent the man of the house from bringing in another woman tomorrow. Families cannot get out of poverty as long as this practice continues.

  1. High Birth Rate

The direct result of polygamy is rapid growth in the family population. As if that is not enough, even in monogamous homes, the woman is being made to have as many children as possible. There are cases of women having as much as eleven children. This is worsened by the fact that many families are not seeing the need to go for family planning or birth control.  Families cannot be giving births this way and be expecting the material conditions of their members to improve. It is a deception of the highest order to have such expectation. Things do not work that way. The lifestyle must change before any consequential improvement can be recorded.

  1. Ignorance

This is compounded by fact that most families in the world are not educated. Access to basic education is becoming increasingly difficult, leading to unprecedented upsurge in the numbers of out of school children. This is particularly the case in the third world countries that host majority of families in the world. This is because education is grossly under-funded because of dwindling public sector revenues and corruption on the part of public office holders.