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10 Things You Must Know Before Going Into Marriage

In many cases people go into marriage without having slightest idea of what they are going into. By the time they realize this after they must have contracted the marriage it would have been too late. This leaves them with the statement: Had I know. Before going into marriage, there are number of factors that need to be known, failing which the marriage may be dead even before it is contracted. Some of the factors include, but not limited to, the ones explained below:


Financial Management

One of the principal factors that determine whether a marriage will withstand the test of time is finance. Marriage requires quite a lot of money to be sustained. Its adequacy or otherwise determines if the marital experience will be exciting or not. This will also say much about whether the marriage will succeed or not. There are several things that will require money before, during and after wedding. Some of them include, but not limited to, baby care, medicare, housing, car, clothing, and others. This therefore requires that couples going into marriage should give a primary consideration in their quest marital union to the issue of finance. No matter how small the family budget is, lack of money or inadequacy of it can cause serious crises in the family that will turn what would have been memorable and exciting experience to an unpalatable one. Lets avoid it. Let us plan ahead.


Sexual Desires & Concerns

Are you guys sexually compatible or not? If you are not then you guys need a rethink. Discuss it and dont feel shy. Be bold and courageous to discuss your sexual preferences with your partner. Dont pretend. Say it exactly the way it is. If you dont tell him/her then dont blame him/her. Many people go into marriage as pretenders, not willing to declare who they are sexually. And when their partners could not fathom what such desires and preferences are, then they remain unattended to. Frustrations arising from this could lead to communication gap, marital crisis and this may lead to eventual crash of such marriages.


Extended Family

Extended families are very important because they are the big trees from which our individual conjugal families come from. In other words, they are the sources of various nuclear families as we have them today. No doubt these families need their respective extended family members for one reason or another. But they should not be over relied upon. They should be dealt with cautiously. They should not be allowed to have over bearing influence on the nuclear families in such a way that they will start hurting the expression of the huge potentials that abound in the families. Couples should be careful at the beginning to ensure that what is happening in their homes are not dictated from outside in the name of extended family.


Friends’ Involvement

Both couples have friends, males and females. Some with good intentions, and others with bad intentions. You can hardly differentiate who is who because the holy book says, The heart of man is desperately wicked. Who can know it? Couples should take charge of what is happening within and among them. They should learn to treat their matters with minimum reliance on external parties called friend. Cases abound of where the so called friends took advantage of the gap between couples to scatter their marriages. Empathic communication among couples help removed such unpleasant experiences.


Household Chore Delegation

Who does household chores among the couples? Big question, right? Traditionally, one would say that this roles automatically goes to the woman of the house. But things have changed so dramatically since the modern industrial and technological era. As a matter of fact traditional roles of genders have been altered significantly. So caution is the word here. We have to face reality. Gone were the days when the woman will be doing all the house chores and the man will be sitting in the palour, reading newspaper or watching television. Both couples should make themselves available for domestic chores to help one another and to reduce tension in the family. This is a clear demonstration of love and spirit of helpfulness.


Career Aspirations

What does your marriage mean to your career plan? Death or growth? You need to sit down to talk about this. Everyone has lofty dreams before marriage. The question is, what happened to those lofty dreams after marriage? Will the woman still be allowed to chase the dreams or she will be asked to abandon them and stay at home all day long? Both couples should organize themselves in such a way that they can both pursue their respective careers to the glory of God. No one should be made to abandon his/her dreams. This is the least they could do to help themselves, their family and the society at large. 50/50 rule should apply here.


Parenting Philosophies

Parenting is a major aspect of family function that needs to be handled with great caution. Couples must agree on the belief and philosophy that will be deployed to guide childrens thought process and world view. If the parents are looking in different directions in this regard there will be confusion as the children may be lost as to which philosophy to adopt. The children may be left with no option than to chart new courses for themselves. This new direction may not be what the parents wish to have.


Relaxation Time (what they like to do in their free time)

This may sound funny but it has to be given all the seriousness it deserves. Having an idea of how, when and where you want to spend your spare time and sharing same with your partner may be a very powerful way to get yourself understood by your partner. This may in turn create room for mutual understanding and trust. For instance, if you have never told your wife that you enjoy attending night club at your leisure time and she discovers that you always go there, this may create trust issues and brewing point for crisis. Such crisis may shake the marriage to its foundation if it is not well managed.

Personality Traits

Do you know the personality traits of your partner? Is he/she short tempered, gentle, aggressive, etc? Is he/she gentle, harsh or calm? People are not the same on all these traits. And the traits each of the couples has will go a long way to affect his/her approach to the other partner. This in turn may have serious implications for the marriage.

Similarities & Differences of the Families couples grew up from

The Similarities between the families the couples come from may go a long way and overall stability of their homes. Although this is not a guarantee but the chances of success could be high. This explains why people are often afraid of going into inter-ethnic marriage.

20 Reasons Why Your Relationship/Marriage Needs Special Attention

By

Ronald Olusegun Olaiya

Photo Credit: Amazing Facts

Most of the times, marriages are broken down because of avoidable reasons that couples did not take note of or are simply taken for granted. These reasons would have given signals, which require the couples attend to. But for one reason or another such signals are not taken seriously. Among such reasons are the ones identified and explained below:

  1. Where and When Communication Has Broken Down

It is a great threat to marriage when communication between the couples is broken down. When husband and wife do not talk to each other at home it is an invitation to misinterpretation of each other’s behaviour. This will in turn create room for mutual suspicion and mistrust. It needs to be corrected timely to halt further breakdown that may undermine the relationship.

  1. Where Third Parties Have Taken Over The Affairs Of The Marriage

While the roles of third parties like in-laws, friends, pastors, colleagues, etc in marital relationship could be appreciated sometimes, however it is important that this should be done with caution. It is the best when the couples can manage their own affairs themselves.   Frequent invitation to any of the third parties in resolving issues among spouses is a sign of immaturity. They need to overgrow this as quickly as possible. Cases are abound of how some these third parties work against marriages they were called to assist and brought them down. Avoid a situation whereby they will be allowed to take charge of the affairs in your marriage.

  1. Where Money is the Basis of Relationship and Engagement.

Marriage where money is the foundation will obviously run into crisis when there is no money again.  Avoid using money to attract your marital partner. Even when you are already in the marriage, do not create the impression that money answers everything simply because you have some money that could qualify you as a rich man. You may be enjoying this status while it lasts. However, as soon as the money is no more or it reduces; your partner will downgrade your rating immediately. Endeavour to demonstrate your love to your partner using other tools or methods apart from money.

  1. When Partners Have Little or No Time for One Another.

These days, partners do not have time for each other again. Each partner claims to very busy at work or with his/her business. Unfortunately in doing this they do not seem to realise the fact that the more they keep away from each other the lower their feelings for one another and vice versa. The earlier they detect this, the better because they will be able to fix the issue before it will degenerate to uncontrollable level. Many at times when couples feel that they do not have each other’s time because they are very busy, they are not correct. The fact is that they have not attempted to create time for themselves out their crowded schedules. This fact will become obvious to them by the time they start dating people outside their marriage even with the same work schedules that did not give them time to be together. It is just a matter of priority.

  1. Where Parties Are Deceptive

Some marriages are so shallow; they are built on fake love. The partners did not just get married because they love each other; they probably did so for some other purposes. They are more or less like actors and actresses in the marriage. They pretend that things are alright whereas this is not true and they know. Their connection with each other is highly superficial. They often tell lies to cover up their deficiency, but in most cases their stories do not add up. Couples cannot continue to live fake life for the rest of their lives. They need to retrace their steps to fix things before they will start embarrassing themselves.

  1. Spouses Are Found of Abusing Each Other

Marriage is expected to be orderly, pleasing, peaceful and enjoyable. Contrary to this expectation, many marriages are full of crises where spouses are known for their stubbornness and abuse of each other. They take to violent means of settling issues between themselves given least provocation.  Some use knives, broken bottles, and other dangerous weapons. Spouses in this situation are advised to learn to resolve their differences through peaceful means. Violence could lead to death of one of the partners or severe injury. The consequences of this may be very fatal.

  1. One or Both Spouses Are Neck Deep In Infidelity

Extra marital affairs either by one or two partners is a disruptive behaviour that does no good to your relationship and marriage. In a marriage where this is happening, there is urgent need to curtail it as quickly as possible if the partners are still interested in continuing their marriage. Infidelity, apart from being ungodly, it can bring down the marriage to its foundation.

  1. There Are Health Related Issues

This is a very serious challenge that is confronting marriages today. This challenge can manifest in different illnesses ranging from common malaria fever to high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, arthritis, eye diseases, and others. Sicknesses have several and severe impacts on relationship. They undermine the capacity of the sick partner to contribute to the welfare and development of the marriage and family. They also have negative effects on his/her ability to meet his/her obligation to his/her partner. The way out is to work round the clock to ensure the sick partner is healed as quickly as possible to enable him/her to fill his/her expected role in the family.

  1. The Polygamous Nature of the Marriage.

It is not all marriages that are monogamous in nature; some are polygamous with all the attendant consequences. In this situation, you are expected to be at your best when it comes to tolerance and endurance. This is because as a wife the petty jealousies among the women in the house will provoke you; but you have to remain calm. Sex may not be coming as frequently as you want it, you have to learn to hold and control your urge till it is your turn. There are endless numbers of things you have to endure.

  1. Impact of the History of Pre-Marital Sex

The ideal thing is to control oneself and sex desire until we are officially married. But the reality is that in today’s world, most people have been enjoying sex long before they actually married. Some had multiple sexual relationships with different people and at different times. This pre-marital experience may be a challenge sometimes in marriage. The partners involved may start comparing consciously and unconsciously their ex-partners with their spouses, thus trying to answer the question: “Who is better in bed?”Assuming the answer is the current partner, he/she will count himself/herself lucky. However, where the reverse is the case, this may come with some form of resentment for the current partner. In fact, conscious efforts may be put in place to re-establish contact with the ex-partners with better rating.

  1. Satanic Agent

Who is your husband/wife? Is he/she a satanic agent? If your answer to the last question is YES, then you and your marriage are in for a big trouble. It is a well known fact that Satan cannot and will not sow a good seed and so is his agent.  A person may be a satanic agent in many ways. It could be by the kind of character he/she is exhibiting, membership of occultic group, his/her violent nature and others. If you discover this and there is nothing you can do to change him/her, then learn how to live with him/her. If none of these works then I am afraid you may have to take a position.

  1. Marriage Induced by Pre-Marital Pregnancy

If your marriage was caused because you were impregnated by the man and the two of you were subsequently compelled to marry each other to be able to cater for the baby together then there is a red flag. It could also be that you as a man have impregnated somebody’s daughter and as a way of making peace with the parent, you and your family were compelled to decide to take the daughter as your wife. This may also be an indication of red flag. It is red flag in both cases because the fact that the two of you were forced together may not be because you were in deep love with each other. So your lust for one another that gave rise to the pregnancy may not be enough to sustain the marriage forever.

  1. Marriage Built on Demonic Consultation

How did you arrive at the decision to marry each other? Did you consult God or it was oracle you consulted to know if you and your would-be partner are compatible or not? If genuinely you consulted God, He would have given you the right answer. On the other hand, Satan will always give you the wrong answer in order to mislead you. So if satan was actually the one you consulted then you have to move closer to God to help you out of this situation.

  1. Forced Marriage Initiated By Parents and Friends

Parents in connivance with relatives and friends sometimes forced marriage on their children in order to sustain their age long friendship and business relationship. In most cases, these are done even in the face of strong protests from the affected children. The implication of this is that such marriages are not based on true love between the spouses. So the parents from both sides are always monitoring their relationship to ensure that any emerging problem is suppressed as quickly as possible.

  1. Child/Under Age Marriage

It is also a pointer to the fact that a marriage needs special attention where it involves a minor or where both spouses are under age.  Some parents and religious groups are particularly in support of this practice. Children as young as 10 years are given out in marriage. This is shocking because any child at this age is not physically, biologically, socially, psychologically and emotionally prepared for marriage.

  1. Marriage Based on Tribal/Ethnic Sentiment

Did you marry based on tribal/ethnic consideration and not on true love? If YES is your answer then you have compromised one of the important principles of blissful marriage. This compromise will play up sooner than later with all the attendant consequential negative experiences. This is a cause for concern and it qualifies your marriage for special attention. It is important to note here that it is never a crime to marry from your ethnic group and you can find a partner there who truly loves you and you too love the person.  The point being made is that you should not sacrifice genuine love on the altar of ethnicity/tribalism.

  1. When Your Marriage is Built on Blood Covenant

Some lovers based on their emotional feelings for one another, especially at the beginning of the relationship, entered into blood covenant. This is an oath of allegiance to one another.  Depending on the partners and their peculiar wishes this oath may cover different areas of their relationship. Most of the times when these oaths are taking place, the partners are actually being ruled by lust and not love. This explains why they ended up running into crisis when genuine and true love comes for expression and it is not the individual they took oath with that is being loved. As if this is not enough, since such blood covenant are based on demonic principles, they often find it difficult to break to let partners go their different ways.

  1. Stolen Marriage – Where No Bride Wealth Was Paid

Are you into a marriage relationship where you have not paid bride price? Such marriage is a stolen marriage. You are strongly advised to go and do the needful. It is a different thing if the family of the bride in her own wisdom and volition decides to waive this for you. If none of these has happened and you are enjoying the woman while she is producing babies for you, you are a thief to say the least. Take immediate steps to rectify this abnormal situation. You cannot raise your shoulder high in public with stolen item, in this case marriage. Apart from this it is even spiritually absurd and it is not without its grievous consequences..

  1. Contract Marriage To Get Visa, Citizenship, And Other Important Documents

Some people (a man and a woman) enter into a special kind of relationship called CONTRACT MARRIAGE to achieve certain objectives. They will go through the marriage processes at the Marriage Registry to get the marriage certificate. But within the parties involved and their accomplices they have the understanding that this is not a true marriage. As soon as the intended objectives are achieved they are expected to file for divorce and dissolve the marriage. One of the parties would have been paid handsomely to play the role he/she is playing. The danger in this is that it is a fraud and by extension is illegal. If this is discovered by the state the parties involved will be arrested, prosecuted, and if found guilty will be jailed. Apart from this, it could be used for blackmail as one the parties may say he/she is not interested in breaking the marriage. This kind of marriage is being used by migrants to get the citizenship status of their host countries which will enable them to have access to all the benefits the citizens are enjoying.

  1. Incestuous Practice

This is a marriage where one or two of the spouses sleep with their relatives and in-laws. Husbands are sleeping with or having carnal knowledge of their siblings, mothers, mothers-in-law. The wives too could be doing the same thing with their siblings, fathers, fathers-in-law.  This is a very complicated situation that can throw the marriages into turmoil and eventually cause their disintegrations. Except for some royal families, this practice is not supported spiritually, biologically, legally and morally. It is seen as a show of shame.

 

18 Ways to Avoid Adultery in Marriage

By

Ronald Olusegun Olaiya

Photo Credit: Depositphotos

Adultery is one of the dangerous challenges facing marriages for ages. It is so dreadful that even partners indulging in it do not want to hear that their partners are neck deep in it. But as dreadful as it is, adultery can actually be overpowered and its impacts on marriage reduced to the lowest level. It can even be reduced to zero level. This depends on the discipline, dedication and commitment on the part of the spouses themselves. If they mutually mean to do this, they will do it.

Lack of discipline and contentment are some of the causes of extra marital affairs. Devil should be spared of the problem for once.

As a measure of our contribution to how adultery can be prevented in marriage, we have come up with 22 tips below that we believe can help couples avoid extra marital affairs if the tips are well applied to their situation. It is important to note that the list here may not be exhaustive, but it is our considered opinion that they will go a long way in sensitising our audience to avoid this hydra headed monster called adultery. Each couple is advised to use the tips as they apply to his/her peculiar situation.

  1. Avoid making any person of the opposite sex your best friend with whom you are comfortable to be sharing intimate discussions and information. The risks are high that before you realise what is happening both of you would have been deep in extra marital affairs.

  2. As much as possible do not stay with anybody of opposite sex at the time your spouse must never know you are there. It will not be of any value to you in any way. This will easily predispose you to having sex with the fellow. And that will mark the beginning of extra marital affairs.

  3. Do not say any negative thing about your spouse before somebody else. This will give clue to the effect that you are not happy in your marriage. The evil minded ones will take advantage of this to launch attack on your fragile marriage. This they will do by showing you fake care by trying to fill the gap between you and your partner. Once you start perceiving better care and love from this external source and you are moving toward their direction, then your marriage is doomed and forgotten.

  4. Be proud to use your wedding ring outside, let them know you are married and proud to be. This has a way of sending messages to intruders that you are taken and they should keep off. This is expected to reduce the frequency of people who would want to come and tempt you. In some cases this works. But there are some people that are so daring and would want to penetrate your marriage with or without ring. You have to watch out for such elements.

  5. Desist from going to websites you will be feeling ashamed of telling your spouse and children that you visited. It is a shameful thing to still be visiting dating sites after you have married. Whether you are married or not, to be visiting porn sites is not a good idea. For what?

  6. Be as transparent as possible. Do not keep secrets from your spouse. All affairs across the world and across ages are thriving and waxing strong in secrecy. Once you are trapped in the secrecy you have just increased your chances of getting trapped in extra marital affairs.

  7. Your confidants should come among people of the same gender like you; desist from choosing your confidants from among people of opposite sex. Among the people of the same gender you should be able to have one or two people you can talk to. Avoid burying your marriage with your own mouth.

  8. Summon the courage to refuse to collect Greek gift from people. Collecting unsolicited gifts from a person of the opposite sex may have its own inherent danger that may soon start confronting you in the face. The giver may soon place a demand before you which may most likely be sex. Remember he/she is not running charity organisation.

  9. Stop unhealthy comparisons between your husband/wife and somebody else’s husband/wife in all ramifications. Avoid the feeling that he/she is better than your spouse. You have very little or no idea of what he/she is passing through at home. All that glitters is not gold. You know grass is always greener at the other side. Until you move closer you may not have slightest idea of what it is like.

  10. All your sexual fantasies should be channelled toward your spouse. He/she is the one God has given you through marriage to meet your sexual needs; nobody else. Let him/her perform this obligation. Avoid giving her role to a stranger.

  11. Whatever that woman/man you are lusting after over there has in her/his body your wife/husband also has it. So what is your problem that will not make you remain with your wife/husband? You are strongly advised to quench any burning sexual feeling that is not directed towards your spouse. Ensure that you do all that is possible to extinguish it before it consumes you and your marriage. Sexual immorality does not start in the bedroom; it is usually from the heart that it starts from.

  12. Speak out. Where the raging fire is so strong and it appears you might not be able to deal with it alone, call for help. Look for a matured and trusted man of God that you can share your story with. He is expected to pray with you and counsel you. Please do not die in silence.

  13. Have satisfactory sex before you travel. This should be your new habit from now on. This is highly recommended and it is very good for you and your spouse. Prior to your trip, ensure you have sex with your wife/husband, with the determination, that you will not have sex until you are back from the trip. This will also help your spouse to hold his/her urge till you are back. Making this a habit may be a saving grace for you, your spouse, your marriage and your family.

  14. Married male couples are admonished to desist from looking at the front and back sides of ladies, wondering what is there. In the same vein, married women too should stop looking in-between the legs of men to see how their dicks are protruding and how huge these are in their boxers. This is childish, dirty and a demonstration of lack of wisdom. This is pure lust that is not needed by you. What you are looking for is not different from what your spouse has.

  15. Move in the company of discipline and Godly people and allow their influence on you. Keeping company of adulterers can only make you become adulterous.

  16. Your sexual desires are better taken up and discussed with your spouse and the two of you should work together to meet the desires right there in your bedroom. Avoid hunting for women/men that will help you out in this regard. This is because what you are hunting for in those men/women outside may end up hunting and hurting you later. You already have these things with the package called marriage. So why looking for it when you already have it?

  17. Always remain Holy spirit filled. Ensure you read and dwell in the words of God continually. This will not allow any space to be created for lust and other evil thoughts in your heart. Read and commit to memory Proverbs 6:32-33 always.

  18. Remember that adultery has its own attendant costs and the pains that any adulterer has to bear. Among the costs are: loss of integrity, financial expenses, negative impacts on your marriage, the effects on the psyche of the children, relationship between you and friends, and the relationship between you and God, to mention just a few. Are you going to sacrifice all these for 10 minutes enjoyment? Think about it. Remember that the pleasure that comes with sex is maximum 10 minutes but its price can last forever.